1
When it comes to relationships, I find it best to have two feet out the doorJosh Stern
2
If a picture paints a thousand words, then a naked picture paints a thousand words without any vowels....Josh Stern
3
The only way I’d ever die of a broken heart, is if I slammed into something really hardJosh Stern
4
It's not hard to fail...it's hard to accept you failed...but once that's out of the way, it's pretty smooth sailingJosh Stern
5
Be nice to people on your way up, because you'll land on them on your way downJosh Stern
6
Loving someone is sticking a pin through a voodoo doll and not hitting any vital organsJosh Stern
7
If the love is not madness, then the sex is not insaneJosh Stern
8
Revenge is a dish best served in something microwaveableJosh Stern
9
In order to butterfly kiss, does it require caterpillar lips?Josh Stern
10
Y'know when your dog drags its butt across the carpet leaving a stain- It's not as easy as it looks..."
Josh Stern
11
Manners without sincerity, is called polite societyJosh Stern
12
Anyone can spin a victory, it's a total loss that demands creativityJosh Stern
13
Everyone comes with baggage, make sure you get one that comes with a rackJosh Stern
14
If life is a bowl of cherries, what's inside of it?Josh Stern
15
Patience is learning to take a deep breath while you’re exhalingJosh Stern
16
If you see the light at the end of the tunnel, you’re lookingthrough binoculars the wrongwayJosh Stern
17
It's always darkest before you're blinded by the lightJosh Stern
18
Dr. Suess said: 'Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened..' I tell my dates: 'Don't cry because it happened, smile because it's overJosh Stern
19
Friends might lose touch but never lose feelingsJosh Stern
20
Y'know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations, like sitting on frozen peas after a vasectomyJosh Stern
21
An alibi is one alliterative consonant short of being a magic carpetJosh Stern
22
Target your random acts of kindness, to keep a tally of who owes whatJosh Stern
23
If you're stuck in the past, you go forward in reverseJosh Stern
24
At this point in my life, beaming confidence is largely a matter of mind over bladder controlJosh Stern
25
Women, can't live with them, can't murder/suicide without themJosh Stern
26
The only threesome I've ever experienced is with Pantene 2 in 1Josh Stern
27
Never be paralyzed by fear, just by falling off a cliffJosh Stern
28
Sure I eat my feelings, but I save the emotional roller coaster for dessertJosh Stern
29
Never send a Man in to do a Donkey's jobJosh Stern
30
I hate pulling out... I mean, I'm really bad at the whole parking thing....Josh Stern
31
If you love somebody set them free- it also works equally well if you hate somebodyJosh Stern
32
To err is human, to accept full responsibility is to just run with itJosh Stern
33
Don't ever mistake silence for ignorance, when it is obviously stupidityJosh Stern
34
If bliss are a type of potato, then ignorance can be french-friedJosh Stern
35
The true genius of a Woman is her subtle flair in creating the illusion that you are the smart oneJosh Stern
36
Behind every successful man, is a Woman breathing through her mouthJosh Stern
37
Only the good die young, the bad petite-mortJosh Stern
38
Some people are so positive, that when they slip in dog poop, they pirouetteJosh Stern
39
Women need a reason to have sex, while men just need an angleJosh Stern
40
If America runs on Dunkin', do I detect a slight limp?Josh Stern
41
Love is the canvas covering the furniture that you've become a part ofJosh Stern
42
I spread eggshells all over my room, so anyone who tries to get close when I sleep will know what they're walking onJosh Stern
43
Positivity is the father of reinventionJosh Stern
44
If positivity is not your mindset, then resetJosh Stern
45
If you take things the wrong way, be aware of which end is upJosh Stern
46
When she says 'I've never done this before" she just means with youJosh Stern
47
Dating should really be more like furniture store commercials.... I would love to' pay no interest for 6 monthsJosh Stern
48
Does speed dating necessarily end up in a quickie divorce....?Josh Stern
49
Women are aroused by the strangest things, like a rock going through their bedroom windowJosh Stern
50
If you don't fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are workingJosh Stern
51
There's always someone we'd love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accidentJosh Stern
52
I like gross generalizations... I also like disgusting specifics!Josh Stern
53
Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it in summer schoolJosh Stern
54
True ambition is trying to paint yourself out of a cornerJosh Stern
55
When it comes to exacting revenge, it gets harder and harder to top yourself each successive timeJosh Stern
56
Maturity is when you no longer get the urge to make snow angels in mud seasonJosh Stern
57
I started to enjoy the regal sport of cockfighting... but I'm still having trouble getting the hang of windmilling the bayonetJosh Stern
58
I always splash on the cologne before a blind date because dogs can smell fearJosh Stern
59
It's one thing if your hobby is to put ships inside a bottle, but a deer in the headlights!. .. That's a real talentJosh Stern
60
Life is a very brief candle especially when you burn it at both endsJosh Stern
61
Blood is thicker than water, but they still use corn starch as a thickener on cooking showsJosh Stern
62
Blood is thicker than water, and so is diarrheaJosh Stern
63
Treat life as a suicide mission, take on the impossible jobs and attack with the gusto of someone who has nothing to lose.... and when you revel in victory, make like it's a dirty winJosh Stern
64
I love Shark Week, where all kids under 12 swim for freeJosh Stern
65
When people try to rain on your parade,. ..pee on theirsJosh Stern
66
When you're out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service….that's no chocolate on the pillowJosh Stern
67
Come Hell or High Water" usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tubJosh Stern
68
If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six monthsJosh Stern
69
If it's the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculatorJosh Stern
70
The only difference between me and a madman is that he has the certificationJosh Stern
71
Don't you wish we all lived in black light.... for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know itJosh Stern
72
Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything….but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiascoJosh Stern
73
I love shark week, all kids swim for freeJosh Stern
74
You always miss 100% of the shots you don't orderJosh Stern
75
It can't be wrong, if it feels so wrongJosh Stern
76
The only drinking problem I've ever had, is figuring out why I'm still stuck in this salad spinnerJosh Stern
77
I'd die for your sins, but I'd probably enjoy them firstJosh Stern
78
Don't be so hard on yourself....that's what a loofah's forJosh Stern
79
Date rape is just plain moronic when you consider how slutty figs areJosh Stern
80
It's not that I'm ahead of my time, it's more that the world is running lateJosh Stern
81
I've always been a poor sport and a sore loser...any other behavior might encourage a repeat performanceJosh Stern
82
I try not to take things lying down, especially rectal thermometersJosh Stern
83
It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the blameJosh Stern